The Blink of an Eye

When I hear people say that the time goes by “so fast” about having children, I am never sure what to say. Yes, in some ways, time goes by fast. But I have never found myself in tears at the thought of my girls growing up. I want them to be responsible adults. I’m so proud of them. And as far as the time going by fast, I’m not even sure I agree with that. It’s not that it has dragged. I have enjoyed every year with my girls. I have spent a LOT of time with my girls. I feel like it’s been time well spent, but it has been time spent. I’m not sure why I don’t feel like everyone else who says: “I blinked and they were grown up!” I just don’t feel that way. I have loved every minute with them, but I have blinked many, many times without feeling like they are slipping away. Maybe I don’t find my identity in being a mother. Maybe since I didn’t work full time I had more time with them. I’m not sure what it is. I just love them. I loved them as babies, and I love them as teenagers / young women. When I think about them not being around, it certainly makes me a little sad. They are so great to have around. But I have been so incredibly proud of Markee this year at college, and nothing makes me happier than to see pictures or hear stories of her connecting with new friends and sharing her fabulousness with other people.

I’m not sure if this whole “it goes so fast” thing is just something people are supposed to say, as children get older? I wonder if it’s because a lot of people who live ordinary lives where every year is about the same as the next find that time gets away from them. Every day is a new adventure in living for us, and I don’t mean that in any kind of exciting way. I mean, sometimes we live as if we are not certain how we will survive. It’s like when they say time slows down when you are going through a major trauma event. Your senses are heightened and you take in every little moment as if it is crucial to remember. I have to say, most of the last ten years has been like that. We’ve moved, we’ve been unemployed, we’ve had issues with depression and anxiety, we have lived every moment as if we are not sure how we will get through it. Time has not moved quickly for us. There has not been a magical moment in time that I wanted to freeze and hang onto. We live, we love, we hopefully do some laughing…and then we look forward to the day when we won’t have to deal with this incredibly difficult journey called life any more. I’m not being dark or morbid or suicidal at all. I just find life hard.

Sometimes we wonder how to honestly live this way with children. It’s not that we want them to think life isn’t worth living. There is a lot of beauty in life. We have tried to focus on love. Love is the only part of life worth hanging on to. I think that is another reason I’m not as sad about my girls growing up. We are connected by love so tightly, that even if we are not living close together, we will still have our incredible connection.

I’m not sure that this means I won’t cry on their wedding days, or their college graduation days, or even when they have children of their own.   But I can guarantee that the day I see them looking into their baby’s eyes and saying “I love you”…that will make me sob.

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