Hard to balance. Hard to have peace. Calm quiet brings painful intersection. But I’m tired. Tired of being busy or angry or depressed. It seems these are my only choices now. I want to smile at a sunset. I want to wonder at the stars. I want to contemplate. But instead I feel nothing but numbness. When thoughts start they quickly overwhelm and turn ugly nasty and mean. There’s no hopefulness. No anticipating the future. Sometimes I think if I have to spend one more day being me I will need to find a way out. I so badly want to run away from my mind. I don’t know who I am or who I want to be. I’m not sure who I was but I’m fairly certain going back to that is not an option. I’m not even sure it’s something I would want to do. I’m incredibly tired of dissecting it all. I don’t care anymore if my pain makes any sense. I have no idea how to resolve it. I’m tired of looking for answers and help. But I don’t really want to give up because the thought of living like this for another forty years is equally overwhelming. I’m not looking for pity. Not expecting anyone to understand. Just lost. Lost and alone without a direction. Tired of trying to see the silver lining or the window that opened when all the doors closed. Tired of trying to see what I can learn from all this. Tired of worrying that people will think I’m self absorbed or feeling sorry for myself.
So very tired.