Trying

I’m not sure why I write. Recently, I keep reading articles and posts that tell me I have to have a plan. I need to determine who my target audience is and what my purpose in writing is. I need to promote my writing and market myself in order to be a “successful” blogger. When I say that sounds like too much, they tell me I should keep writing because it’s good to have an “outlet”. I’m not even sure what that means. Is it like the little hole on a tea kettle that lets out a little steam? Would I explode if I didn’t write? I understand that expressing myself is important. It helps me understand what’s going on in my head. It helps me process. But that really only goes so far. When I wrote about losing our first baby, it was important to express those feelings and to process them, to understand what I really felt and why. But in the end, did it take away my pain? Of course not. Grieving is a process that can’t be rushed. Understanding what is happening is helpful in moving through it but it won’t change the feelings. And even though that post is probably my most popular, it still has only been read by a few hundred people. That’s hardly what most people would consider to be “successful”. Which takes me back to the question… am I trying to be successful or am I just using writing as an outlet for my emotions.

In other words, is this just a public journal or a collection of writings?

Right now, I’m deep in a pit and I’m not sure anyone wants to hear about it. I don’t think what I have to say right now would be helpful to anyone else. And if I have a purpose at all in my writing, I suppose that would be it: the hope that it would be helpful to someone else. Not that I have any great wisdom to offer, but that maybe someone would say, “wow – I feel like that, too. I thought I was the only one.” And they would suddenly feel less alone. That’s all. But right now, I’m the one who feels totally alone.

I know there is hope. I can’t feel it right now, but I somehow know it’s out there. I’m using all the energy I have to look for it. Please understand if my writing doesn’t show it. I’m very tired and out of answers. This is where I really am struggling. I can’t write what I’m not feeling but I can’t help people when I have no hope. I want to offer some light in the darkness, but honestly, right now, I don’t have any. So if my writing isn’t helping anyone, is it worth it to write just for my own outlet? I’m not sure. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not about the answers or the wisdom or the audience size or the numbers of views, what I want to do is make just one person feel less alone in their trek through life. I’m really hoping I can do that even as my hoping is lacking in strength severely. Maybe it’s not going to be my job to give people hope, or answers, but just to help them know they are not alone in their searching.

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